Zip-Zip-Zippity!

Me + Caffeine = Bad news.

I do love me some iced coffee, though.

So I order decaf.  

No biggie.

This morning, ordered a decaf at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.

Should have been on high-alert when he young man tending to the drive-thru window

freely admitted that he was "really off this morning."

Lovely, sir.  I'm glad you're preparing breakfast for those of us in Central Massachusetts

who "run on Dunkin."

Fast-forward two hours:  I'm in the kitchen, telling Crisp that I'm having a heart attack.

Now friends, I fully confess that I am a major hypochondriac.

In fact, I've got many humorous stories that will prove to be

wonderful material for this blog --

all about the various illnesses, diseases, and symptoms 

that I've conjured up in this blonde head of mine over the years.

 Just you wait.

But this morning...

My chest was tight.

I couldn't take deep breaths.

Felt agitated.

Sweaty palms.

Kinda want to puke.

Kinda wanted to run around the block.

Couldn't think straight.

Clearly, a heart attack.

Cris reassured me that I wasn't having a heart attack.

He has witnessed my many possible heart attacks, strokes, and brain tumors over the years.  

(Bless is heart for putting up with me.)

Said he was going to the gym and to call me if I needed him.

You know, in case my heart attack got worse.

He leaves.

I start to pace and worry more about having a heart attack alone in the house.

Wonder what Finn would do if I really did have a heart attack...

Would he be a hero dog and alert the neighbors?

Or would he eat my hair like he does when I play on the floor with him?

Probably eat my hair.

I sit on the couch and try to relax.

Reach for my iced coffee.

Remember dummy drive-thru boy.

Look at the pen marks on my iced coffee container.

There's a big FV for French Vanilla.

Cream and Sugar are checked off.

(Yes, the healthiest option for drinking coffee, I know.)

And the section that says "Dunkins Decaf" --

Not checked off.

Cue the lightbulb above my head.

I'm not having a heart attack!

I'm just hopped up on caffeine.

Feel some relief.

Then realize that caffeine gives me heart palpitations.

Heart palpitations could lead to an arrhythmia,

which could lead to cardiac arrest.

Told you, people. Major hypochondriac.  

Plus, I read WebMD.  

I watch Grey's Anatomy and House.

Clearly I'm a medical expert.

So, of course... 

I do what every hypochondriac would do...

I open Google.

Total mistake, I know!  

Hypochondriacs should never Google their symptoms.

The internet search results always tell you you're doing to die

or at least have something terrible happen to you.

Lo and behold --

my internet search for "caffeine sensitivity" told me that I could have

a caffeine allergy.

In addition to my agitation, chest pains, and panic attacks,

I could get swell up in hives.

My throat could close.

Or I could have a seizure.

I look at Finn, who has been sitting by my feet while I frantically read the website.

I remember the stories on Oprah and Inside Edition

about the dogs that alert their owners right before the owners 

experience a major medical condition.

I'm pretty sure I saw a story about a Golden Retriever that would bark incessantly

right before his owner had a seizure.

Would Finn let me know if I was going to have a seizure?

Could I have a seizure from drinking 1/3 of a medium iced coffee,

which was actually pretty diluted with cream and melted ice?

I wait.  And I wait some more.

I look at Finn for any signs and signals that I could spontaneously die.

He looks a bit bored, or possibly annoyed with me.

So, I snap his picture.

 My hero dog.

Clearly ready to leap into action.

I decide that my accidental caffeine intake probably isn't going to take my life.

Still feel like I'm on speed a little bit.

I better zip-zip-zip around this house and get some stuff done!

If you don't hear from me again, Blog World,

always remember:

Double-check your Dunkin Donuts coffee orders.